Introducing... my Ideal Father!
Silver Linings in Disappointment. (Clarifying comment: no parents were harmed in the writing or sharing of this post.)
Going a bit off-piste here… Not a kangaroo or a cockatoo in sight. It’s winter, and things are all a little more inward-looking.
As I’ve mentioned before, writing this began as a pragmatic way to stay connected to those I love, whilst living in an awkward time zone – and it’s been a great pleasure for me. Many lovely responses have deepened the satisfaction and meaning behind it. I never take anyone’s interest in what I have to say for granted, and it’s still an honour to think this is being read.
It was only my family that I expected to have anything even approaching a sense of obligation to read this. So I was surprised to discover recently that my dad hadn't read any of my posts; and – despite then letting him know that I’d love it if he did read this – he very politely declined. Ouch.
I have to respect him for his honesty in expressing what he’s willing and able to give. He, like all of us, has his own interests, preferences and limitations.
While initially I felt sad and hurt; it has also been oddly delightful to have the clarity. Of course it clarified something that I already knew – that we all know if we take the time to reflect on it: that the things we all seek from our parents at a most basic level are so simple: their attention and their approval.
It clarified something else, too: a clarity that frees me from wondering, and from looking for something that is not going to come from him. Because wanting something does not necessarily mean we are destined to get it. (Duh!)
So I am left with my feelings, and that’s actually fine. Truly. Because the good news is that I have a secret weapon to help me move beyond the ouchy feelings…
No need to despair for me, dear reader!
Because luckily, I have an alternative father; and an Ideal one at that! Oh yes. Let me introduce to you:
Jürgen Klopp, AKA Claire’s Ideal Father:
Yes, he’s a German football manager (an excellent one at that), which is slightly random; and he’s also not that much older than me – but these details really don’t matter. I got to ‘know’ him through years watching Liverpool in the Premier League (I married a football fan).
His qualities of loyalty, enthusiasm, encouragement and positivity, combined with deep humility, self-awareness and emotional intelligence were a joy to watch. He also knows what matters most in life. Football, his passion, he described as the most important of the least important things.
His awareness that relationships, health, connection and community matter far more, brought heart and soul into his management of one of the world’s best teams. Sure, he’s not a perfect man – who is? – but his many great qualities gave me enough inspiration to create an ideal father for myself.
Hang on, what even is an Ideal Father?
Several therapeutic traditions draw on the idea that we can ‘Reparent’ ourselves. I learned about Ideal Parents in depth when training in Pesso Boyden therapy.
In this method, Ideal Parents draw on the platonic ideal to offer perfect, imaginary figures who would provide the exact kind of love, encouragement and support that you would have needed – at all the times in your life you’d have needed them most.
In real life great parents exist for the lucky few, but they can’t be ideal, because they can not – 100% of the time – be available. You’re heartbroken for the first time and you call your mum – but she’s in a meeting. That’s not ideal!
For those of us who are parents, we know very well that it’s nigh on impossible to meet all of our children’s needs and desires: As parents we are destined to fail; and to disappoint all too often. And as children we are destined to be disappointed.
Fortunately, Ideal parents are always there, exactly as we want and need.
And so I created my own…
Throughout the excellent and very experiential Pesso Boyden training, and subsequently, I have drawn on the qualities that Jürgen Klopp embodies when I want some extra care from a father figure. Thanks to my Ideal Father I have felt encouraged and celebrated. I’ve been cheered on to try harder and push myself, and cared for and commiserated when things haven’t gone so well.
He’s always there when I need him: fiercely loyal, supportive, interested and interesting, and always up for laughing and crying with me. I’ve become amusingly fond of the German accent as a result. He is the most incredible internal resource. (Of course the real Klopp is human, fallible – and no doubt his actual children have all sorts of complaints about him – they should get themselves Ideal Fathers too, obviously.)
What is so beautiful about this way of working therapeutically, is that the focus is not just on ruminating about what’s not worked for us (‘poor me, my dad doesn’t want to read my blog!’); it’s on the positive, and on finding the felt experience of when something lands with us ‘just right’. This is what provides real healing.
I feel such warmth and relief throughout my body when I allow myself to imagine a father who would say – not just through his words, but also with his facial expressions; his eyes, shining with pride; his body language, and tone of voice:
‘My wonderful daughter! I am so glad you found something that brings you so much joy. I love reading your writing. It’s a privilege knowing you want to share it with me; and a delight to get to know you better this way. I’m so proud of you for following your heart and writing even when it isn’t a ‘sensible’ use of your time. Who cares?! What a beautiful way to stay connected.’
Awww, thanks Dad!
When I indulge myself and imagine this kind of a response to my inner child – the little one within, still seeking parental approval and attention – I can’t but smile. It’s a magical thing.
Unsurprising, Unsolicited Life Tip (– of the genuinely useful variety)
So if you haven’t already: Get yourself some Ideal Parents!
I really encourage you to.
How to start? Cast around for inspiration – people you admire: a former teacher, neighbour or family friend; or a film star; fictional character, or even a football manager… (yes, I’ll share!)
Next, separate them from your actual parents, however wonderful and amazing they might be. Imagine ‘a different kind of father…’ You can build on the amazing qualities of your real parents if you wish, but do make them separate beings otherwise they’ll keep getting mixed up (and you’ll confuse yourself with thoughts like ‘hold on, but Dad would never…’)
Then simply create time and space to really imagine and get to know them:
What would they look like? Where would they live?
What careers and hobbies would they have?
What messages would they keep repeating to you that you need to hear?
What values and beliefs about yourself and the world would they have instilled in you since childhood?
Even if you were blessed with genuinely wonderful parents, it's worth a go. Because even great parents can be bettered. When I – amazing parent that I am, obviously(!) – described this process to Scarlet, she took some time to warm up to the idea – lovely loyal daughter that she is! Only after I prompted her to consider creating an Ideal Mum who worked in the fashion industry did her eyes light up... Aha!
Such are the unique joys an Ideal Parent can offer.
Go for it! You’re in charge. Let Atticus Finch, Ted Lasso or Barack Obama fight it out for the top job. Give your inner child the gift of an Ideal Mum or Dad. They’re free, they’re always available, and they always say exactly what you want to hear.
And in this there’s an added win: when we uncover our secret desires and wishes we get to have more of our innermost selves. That’s also a beautiful gift, and deeply rewarding.
Your Turn!
I could say so much more about the process of creating Ideal Parents, but will keep it at this for now as you didn’t sign up to read a chapter of a therapy book. But if you’re interested to know more, do be in touch, or read more about the Pesso Boyden approach.
And if you’re inspired to find your own Ideal Parents, I’d love to know who you choose.
Lastly, if you check in with you inner longing and what’s most foreground for you in this moment – what would you want an Ideal Parent to say to you – right now?
Thank you, Claire, love your article! Have shared with my Pesso Boyden community in Manchester/north of England
I love this idea, and you write so brilliantly about it. x